Confessions of a Passive Prayer

I do not make resolutions. I make a point not to due to rabbit holes that my mind typically seems to delve into and think it best to simply have a rough draft of an idea of what I want to accomplish within the next year. Yes, I know. Organized chaos. 

As I near my marathon, fears and anxieties have crept in which lead me to something I suppose I would consider a resolution. I really need to upgrade my prayer life. 

Joey and I have this lamp that responds to verbal cues. We simply say “Hey google, turn off!” And it listens! (How crazy is technology these days?) And funnily enough…I make my husband do it every time because I actually get shy talking to a lamp. A lamp! I freeze as if I were stage fright. It's quite pathetic and yet that is how my prayer life feels. 

I know realistically that prayer can have many different forms. I’ve whispered them, screamed them, thought them, breathed them, wished them. My worst fear was realized a few weeks ago when I was asked the question “When was the last time you prayed?” And I actually could not answer. That is an unfortunate realization for someone who quite literally works in ministry. So I have submerged myself in Psalms as one does who wants to learn and study the art of authentic and soul-pouring prayers. 

I had a funny image in my head of my sister calling (as she often does) for advice (as she often does not). I imagined her pouring her soul out to me about work, her marriage, moving to Alaska, planning a new girls trip, wanting fashion advice, wanting health advice, and then I imagined her hanging the phone up on me before I could even communicate the advice she wanted. This hilarious and ridiculous analogy is what I realized I was doing with God. I communicated with Him and never waited for the dialogue! As funny as an image it is to imagine the scenario with my sister, it is not quite as funny imagining myself hanging up on The Creator of the universe. 

God wants us to approach Him with our burdens, our sighs, our wins, our losses, our delight. But prayer is more than an upward glance and a passing thought. There needs to be reverence, an ask, a thank, a praise, and a humble delivery tied in a bow of gratitude. 

In Psalm 8 we see David acknowledging God’s dominion and power. It placed into perspective how I approached God and whether I approached Him as a ruler or a close friend and I found I did neither. I approached Him as a father. I am so blessed to have an earthly father who personifies Christ's unwavering love for me. There is nothing I could have done (even in my teenage angst phase) that could make my earthly father turn his back on me.

I have been raised by a father who exemplifies Christ’s qualities and he has given me the ability to effectively visualize a fathers love and mercy when speaking with the Lord because that is the kind of father I grew up knowing. A patient and merciful father. 

Praising Him in prayer has become easier the more rooted in scripture that I am. He longs to have a relationship with His children. Psalms 8 says God is “mindful of us” showing that we are much more than just a passing thought. When considering the greatness of God I have prayed that what breaks His heart, breaks my own. What angers Him, angers me. I adore the reverence He has of His children and I adore His closeness, that is my own Psalm. 

In studying Psalms I can call upon the Lord and He will hear me and answer. When I fear failure I am placing all the trust in my abilities and not in who gave them to me. God gave me the will and determination to sign up for the race to begin with. There is a reason that it was placed on my heart. As a christian, I do not believe in coincidences because everything happens in God’s perfect design whether that be me finishing the marathon or not. As disappointed as I will be if that does not happen, that is my Lord communicating with me that He has other plans for His child. 

That being said, I am not giving up. I am still meeting the Lord halfway but when I am weary, I know He will let me rest. When I am weak, He will be my refuge. When I feel I can step no further, I will have but only a fragrance of the pain he suffered carrying the cross.